WHAT IS LOVE AND TOUGH LOVE?

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Love

There are two primary Greek words that are translated as “love” in the English New Testament of the Bible: agapē and philĕō. Agapē is commonly defined by Christian as “unconditional love.” It is interesting to note that agapē is also translated as charity in 1 Corinthians 13 in the King James Version of the Bible. This expresses agapē’s willingness to give without expecting anything in return. Although just about everybody of every religious belief would agree that agapē style love is something to strive for; Christians alone realize that it can only be fulfilled to its fullest extent with God’s power working in our lives.

Philĕō is badly underrated by most Christians to the point of receiving a bad rap. It is what we feel towards those who are close to us. This would include both family and friends. A more technical definition would be “to be a friend (fond of [an individual or an object]), ie. Having affection for (denoting personal attachment, as a matter of sentiment or feeling…”¹ Most Christians seem look at the prominent role that agapē plays through out the New Testament and conclude that philĕō is a second rate expression of love. After all, philĕō is an emotion and us Christians are not suppose to be guided by our emotions. But the Bible tells us that God feels philĕō for both His Son and for us.² It also tells us that we philĕō God’s Son and that we should feel philĕō for each other.³ It should also be realized that the biggest reason that agapē is given some much prominence is because as I said earlier, it goes entirely against human nature. Philĕō on the other hand is even demonstrated by people who are in the world. This is therefore the conclusion that I have come to:

Although feeling and emotions may not be strong enough to sustain our relationships in the long term, they do give meaning to them. They motivate us in to action. It is the philĕō that I have for my family and friends that make me want to do acts of agapē. The hardest part about my loving and forgiving my enemies who I hardly know is the fact that I have no real incentive to good out of my way to make peace with them. Maybe it is someone at work or even church that I never see any other time. Or maybe a neighbor that I will only cross paths will by chance. But if it is someone who’s relationship that I value, I will loose sleep at night trying to figure out how to reconcile. I know that this is not a Biblical; but it is the way it is. Agapē may be how we save our relationship; but philĕō is why.

Tough Love

The most controversial aspect of love, from a Christian standpoint, is “tough love”. Many Christians not only refuse to believe that there is any Biblical support for such a concept, but that the entire concept its self goes entirely against scripture. They would have a strong case if it were not for the fact that their evidence is based on those who divorce much if not their entire recover program, including their understanding of “tough love”, from the Bible. Let me give you an example of a real life situation in which I advocated the use of Biblical tough love:

A lady was giving me a ride home from work one night. She told me about her moving to Phoenix in order to help out her little sitter after their mother had past away. This sister, who was in her late twenties, had been babied by their mother and had never grown up. Therefore this lady, a single parent of a seven year old, was going to take over where their mother had left off. She asked me, “Isn’t this what God would want me to do?” I asked her, “Do you believe that God wants her to grow up and be more responsible?” She replied, “Yes.” Then I ask, “Is what you are doing making it possible for her to not have to grow up?” One again she replied, “Yes.” Finally I ask her, “So is this what God what’s you to do?” See replied, “No.”

The problem that so many co-dependants have is that they hate to see people, especially their loved ones, suffer to the point that those who are irresponsible do not have to grow up. They cannot see that rescuing someone from the consequences of their own actions actually does them more harm then good. It is one thing to help someone who is struggling because of things that are beyond their control or from mistakes that they have made and have learned from and are trying to rebound from. It is another thing all together when they are suffering the repetitive consequences of their own repetitive actions, especially when these actions are blatant acts of sin.

Co-dependents are also entirely unaware of the games that irresponsible people play in order to get others to enable them. Let us take for example your typical alcoholic/drug addict. They go to their family members with a sob story about how hard up they are because of this, that and some other thing. They tell their family members that they just need a few dollars to get them by to their next paycheck so they can pay a bill or get some food. As soon as they get the money, they are off to the nearest liquor store or drug dealer. One family member after another will start seeing through their games over time and start cutting them off. As they start running out of enabling family members, they start going more and more to “friends” with their now sobbier story about how hard up they are because of this, that and some other thing. And to make matters worse, their own family does not care enough about them to help them out. They will find new enablers almost as fast as they lose the old ones.

So if they are spending almost all of their cash on drugs and alcohol, then where do they get food to eat? Having work with my churches food pantry, I can tell you from first had observation how the “career homeless”⁴ operates. I do not care what anyone else tells you, it is a fact that no adults go hungry in this country unless their too proud to ask for help or their motivation to take care of themselves have been wiped out by depression or hard drugs. With all of the food pantries and soup kitchen and the fact that panhandlers make more money per hour then many hard working citizens do, you do not have to worry about them going hungry. They know the system and they know how to use it the same way they use their family and “friends”. And when they do get hard up for cash, they will go to the day labor halls where they will give feeble work for feeble pay. Because they are not require to make any commitment to their employer beyond that day, they will go and work a day or two when ever they need money to by anything that can not get from the food pantries, soup kitchen and other social services. The number one idem on their list are drugs and alcohol. This is the reason that those who are professional construction workers refer to all day laborers as “rent-a-drunks”. I myself have worked day labor, so I know that everybody who does are true “rent-a-drunks;” but I also know for a fact that a notable percentage are.

So how does the Bible say that we should deal with those who choice to live in a pattern of redundant irresponsibility and sin? When Paul, in the above scripture reference instructed the church on how to deal with an immoral believer, he told them to, “...hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.”⁵ He would later say, “…Hymenaeus and Alexander, whom I have handed over to Satan to be taught not to blaspheme.”⁶ Hand people over to Satan?! That seam kind of harsh to me! Unfortunately, that is what it takes to get though to some people. What is worse is that some people still will not learn even after such an ordeal. Do not get the idea that this in any way suggest that we should be praying curses over anyone. Handing them over to Satan simply means that we stop trying to shelter them from the consequences of their actions. A person who rejects the ways of God and follows Satan into a blatantly sinful life is on a path of destruction. We need to be praying for God’s intervention. But ultimately it will come down to them making decisions at various crossroads of live. At some point in time they will reach that final crossroad and be given that one final choice, we can only pray that it will be the right one. Some, such as the immoral believer in 1 Corinthians 5:1-5, do finally repent. It is believed by many, including myself, that he is the one the Paul refers to in 2 Corinthians 2: 3-11. Paul then instructs the church to:”…reaffirm your love for him...in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”

The concept of tough love is something that many co-dependents are too eager to embrace. Those who were doormats are more than happy to free themselves, while those who have always been controlling and manipulative find justification for doing what comes naturally. That is because most people in recovery are taught this concept absent of the guidance of the Bible.

The first time I tried to use what I called “tough love”, it was in order to get a friend to change into what I wanted her to be. The Holy Spirit convicted me by calling it “emotional blackmail.” I tried to use our friendship as leverage to get her to come out of her co-dependent denial. If she would not change then it would be unhealthy for me to remain friends with her. I tried justifying this attitude by believing that I was doing this for her own good; but the fact was that was doing it to get my own wants met. I had romantic intensions towards her and wanted her to take away my loneness. She was afraid of getting close to people so she tried to get her needs met be trying to meet everybody else’s needs. Yes, her behavior was defiantly dysfunctional; but my agenda for confronting her was just as bad.

A lot of what I have seen done in the name of “tough love” would best be described as blackmail. If our significant others does not straighten up and fly right, then they are going to suffer the consequences. After all, their significant others are the cause of most of their problems; and so they cannot fix their own problems until after their significant others change. This is a bogus notion that nearly every co-dependant embraces early on in their recovery. Some of them never give it up!

Some of the demands for change do not even involve unhealthy behaviors. Sometimes it is a matter of the person who is applying the “tough love” is just intolerant of the differences in others. They have a self-righteous, judgmental standard for what is and is not appropriate behavior that they expect everyone to conform to. This too is an unbiblical usage of tough love.

¹ Strong's Bible Concordance, Greek Dictionary of the New Testament, ref. #5368

² John 5:20, 16:27; Revelation 3:19

³ John 16:27; Romans 12:10; Titus 2:4, 3:4, 3:15, Hebrews 13:1; 1 Peter 1:22, 3:8; 2 Peter 1:9

⁴ Note that there is a big difference between someone being homeless because of bad breaks or choices that they have learned and grown from, and someone who makes a career out of being homeless.

⁵ 1 Corinthian 5:5

⁶ 1 Timothy 1:20

SWIMMING LESSONS

I took a survival swimming course shortly after graduating from high school. We were taught how to do the, “survival bob.” If we were ever stranded in the water and needed to buy time for help to arrive, we would go threw repetitive cycle of relaxing our arms allowing ourselves to sink below water for a few seconds so we can rest them, and then paddle our way back above water for a few seconds to get more oxygen. By doing this, you are supposed to be able to survive out in the ocean for several days.

I am to this day a poor swimmer, so my instructor and I thought it would be good for me to send my free time practicing basic swimming. So while he would be busy with some one else or just relaxing, I would push myself as far out as possible from the side of the pool in front of him at the deep end and practice swimming back. I did this several times in a row and then decided to do it just one more time. That was one more time then my arms had the strength to pull me back.

I quickly calmed myself and went into the “survival bob” routine that I had just been taught. I rested my arms, and after being underwater for a few second, I started paddling myself back above water. The instant my head broke the surface, I calmly called out for help; but my arms were fatigued again. And so I rested them long enough to get some straight back in them and then shot back to the. This time I knew my instructor would be read for me.

As soon as broke the surface, I heard him say, “Jason, over here!” I could not see him because of all the splashing I was doing, but I heard were the voice had come from. I reach out in that direction and then felt my wrist being grabbed and then me being pulled. After I was back holding the side of the pool, my instructor commended me for my efforts.

Life is full of growth and challenges. God is pleased when we step out and take risks that will improve our relationship with Him and all that He has created. God wants us to strive for these noble goals that He has placed in our hearts. This is how He transforms us into the image of his Son. And when we fall short, He will always be right there to get us out of our jams. He will not condemn us for not meeting these goals; but instead He will commend us for our obedience and courage.

ORDINARY CITIZENS BRINGING THIS WAR ON TERROR TO AN END

September 11, 2001 — the day the War on Terror “officially” began. In this election year, 3 years later, the two main Presidential candidates (as well as their political parties) are debating over what has been done and what should be done next. The Republican Party incumbent, President George W. Bush, wants use to believe that everything is going according to his master plan and that we must reelect him in order that we can stay this course. His Democratic Party challenger, Senator John Kerry, wants use to believe that the path that we are on is totally wrong and that he must become President in order to steer us in the right direction. We the voters may be divided on whether or not what our politicians have done so far is right or wrong. We may also be divided on what they need to be done next. But ever voter in America is in agreement on one thing: WE WANT THIS WAR ON TERROR TO END ASAP! So, what do I think needs to be done to end this war? There are a number of things that I believe need to be done. Some need to be done by our politicians, but following lists are things that I believe need to be done by the ordinary citizens of the world:

The ordinary citizens ON all sides need to do the following:

1. Stop making and supporting those who make inflammatory speeches about the other side: From 2001 - 2003, I was watching the Israel-Palestine crisis especially closely. With all of the Muslims I was helping while assisting the refugee community; I need to stay up to date on this issue because I was being constantly being questioned about Israel’s conduct. The thing that I found to be most telling about the character of both side was their public relations campaigns. The Israelis and the Palestinians shared a common motto that went something like this: “If you do not have something bad to say about the other side; then do not say it at all!” Whenever one side would do or say something productive; a media reporter would ask an official representative form the other side to comment. In every occasion, that representative would brush aside question about the other side’s productive action or statement and would refocus the interview on something negative about that side.

It did not take me long to figure out that neither side was trying to inform the outside world as to what the truth was. All they were doing was making statements designed to stir up anger and hatred in the hearts of the listeners. Some of it was geared towards getting more outside support for their cause; but most of it was geared towards their side’s own radicals. Motivating them to keep fighting the “good” fight to the bitter and bloody end no matter what! Is this the first step to making peace with your neighbor?

2. Stop making and supporting those who make excuses for the sins that have been made by their side — and start demanding that everybody “plays by the same set of rules”: Another thing that the Israelis and the Palestinians shared is a hypocritical use of civilian casualty statistics in order to justify the murderous acts of their side. The Palestinians place bombs in places were there is a high amount of Israeli civilian traffic. The Israelis denounce these murders only to then retaliate by launching rocket attacks against a single car being used by those believed to be responsible for those bombings. These strikes often occur while the streets are crowded with Palestinian civilians and therefore guarantees that many of them will get hit by shrapnel. The Palestinians then use these retaliatory murders as an excuse to call for more bombings. At the end of the day, 90% – 95% of all casualties caused by both sides against each other are unsuspecting, innocent, and defenseless civilians.

While condemning these Palestinian bombing, the Israelis neglects to point out the fact that the Palestinians are using the same tactics against them that they used against the British while pushing for their own independence. In 1946, Menachem Begin participated in the bombing of the King David Hotel in Jerusalem. Ninety-one unsuspecting, innocent, and defenseless civilians were murdered. Another 45 were injured. In 1977, Begin was elected Prime Minister of Israel. In 1978, he won the Nobel Peace Prize. In an interview made in the last year or two, Begin walks around this hotel and proudly shows a reporter the exact spots that he placed the bombs and how he concealed them. He never expressed any remorse for those that he had murdered because “he was doing what needed to be done.”

3. Stop trying to provoke one another in to doing something that we can then use against them in the court of public opinion: When the current intifadah started back in 2000, the Palestinians were condemning the Israelis for their use of excessive force against Palestinian civilians. They claimed that their civilian protestors — including children — were armed with nothing but stones. Israel on the other hand; was clearly seen using guns, tanks, and even helicopter gunships. It may be true that the civilians were only armed with stones, but they forgot to mention where the Palestinian Authority’s “Security” Forces were at the time. These “Security” Forces were supposed to be charged with keeping the peace. If they would have been out there doing their job when the unrest started; the Israelis would not have had come in and have done it for them. So, where were these “Security” Forces? They had taken up sniper positions against the Israeli Security Forces. So it is not accurate to say that these stone throwers were innocent and defenseless; but rather that they were bait. There job was to bait the Israelis into sniper ambushes. How then is it fair to condemn Israel for the deaths of these stone throwing children when their parents permitted — and in some cases even encouraged — these children to go into harms way in the first place?

4. Take a fair and balanced look at history and freely admit when our side was in the wrong: I know full well that many sins have been committed by my beloved country and those claim to adhere to my religion of Christianity, but let us be fair about this. There is no sin that has been committed by America or by Christians that not been committed by everybody else. This does not excuse it, but talking like America is the most evil major power ever in history is both erroneous and unfair. The same can be said for those that think Christian is the only religion that has had wrong done in its name. We have a saying in America, “THOSE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULD NOT THROW STONES!” Yes, America and Christians do live in glass houses, but so does our accusers!

Now, answer for me the following questions: When natural disasters strike, who are the first ones that are call upon to help? America and the “Christian” west. When the masses want to flee from their oppressive home lands, where do they all want to go? Again, America and the “Christian” west. When an oppressive government crosses the line and the people cry out for protection, who do they cry out to? Once again, America and the “Christian” west through the formality of asking the United Nations. One last question, which country is looked upon to send in the first troops under the UN banner? On most occasions, America. Should not any of this be taken into account when discussing the history of how the various religions, ethnicities, and nationals of the world have conducted themselves?

Now, answer me this question: Does anyone ever ask our accusers for help? No, because the only thing that our accusers are good at doing is destroy nations and reputations! OUR ACCUSERS HAVE NEVER LIBERATED ANY OPPRESSED PEOPLE! THEY HAVE IN FACT EXPLOITED THEM! The best example of this is when the al-Qaeda, who condemns America for interfering with internal matters of other nations, sent in foreign fighters to back the Taliban faction in the Afghan civil war. This in spite of the fact that most Afghans did not want to live under the Taliban’s oppressive rule. Al-Qaeda also condemns us for backing any government that lets us build military bases in their countries — especially those who oppress their own people and Israel for oppressing the Palestinians. Yet, al-Qaeda backed the oppressive Taliban so they could build terrorist training camps in Afghanistan.

None of this is offered to you as an excuse for any of the sins committed by America or by Christians. The fact is; nobody can say that their side has always been in the right and that every wrong has been committed by the other side. We Americas and Christians have over the past half century been leading the way in our willingness to not only admit such things, but also to repent of these sins and to try and make restitution for them. There is even more that we need to in this area, but at least we have started. Now; the rest of the world needs to get going and then catch up.

Ordinary Christians must get their focus back on following the teachings of Christ that are recorded in the Bible! “LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOU HEART, SOuL, mind, AND STRENGTH!” and “LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF!” The Arabs and Muslims are our neighbors too and we should therefore love them every bit as much as everybody else. Yes, Israel does have the right to defend its self, but giving them a license to sin is unbiblical! We should not be making excuses for Israel when they use tactics that would result in our own troops being court marshal if they ever used them. Most American/European Christians say that the Bible commands us to Bless Israel. So I ask you this, do you bless a hard core alcoholic or drug addict by giving them $20 in cash? No! Why not? Because you know that they are going to use that $20 to buy more of the same alcohol and drug that they have been ruining their live with. If Israel kills 20 unsuspecting, innocent, and defenseless civilians for every one terrorist that they kill, are they not giving their enemies more ammunition to use against themselves in the court of public opinion? Is this not a self-destructive path for them? Another thing to take into account is that not all 20 of the dead are Muslims; 2½% of all Palestinians living in palestine are Christians! Most of these arab Christian bothers and sisters are upset That American Christians support those that persecutes not only them, but all other Christians living under the Israeli flag! Does this not constitute Israel sinning against Christianity? Is this what god commands us to bless?

Ordinary Muslims must take control of their religion! Peaceable Muslims have been saying for years that their religion has been hijacked by the radical extremists. The same could be said about Christianity after the Roman Emperor Constantine declared Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire. He, as well as subsequent Emperors, used Christianity to increase their power base which got in the Church side tracked from its original mission. It took several centuries of the Bible being made available to the common people for the Christianity to get back its original mission. Now, it is up to the Muslims to do the same. As far as I can tell, all of the Muslim leaders with large followings preach the use violence in the name of Islam, but those who preach peace have no followers. If this is true, and if those who preach violence are in error, then stop following them! forbid them from holding teaching positions! Those who preach peace in the name of islam need to rise up and take charge!

I hope that you have found this to be informative. My intension was not to blame any one side, but to show all sides that there are things that we can all do to extinguish the hatred that the terrorists feed upon! After all, these terrorist claim to be fighting on behalf of the poor and oppressed common people. It is therefore up to all of us, the common people, to tell them: “We do not want terroristic solutions to our social Ills! We want people of wisdom and reason to speak and act on our behalf to cure them! WE just want TO Glorify God by RAISE up our children in peace and safety!”

ONE CHRISTIAN’S DEFENCE OF THE BIBLICAL VIEW OF HOMOSEXUALITY

In our society, those of us that disapprove of homosexuality are labeled “homophobic.” We Christians are said to be full of fear and hated towards those that are different from us! But is this fair, or is it just hypocritical bigotry on the part of those who hate us Christians and the moral standards that we live by? After all, only the most immature Christians get angry and lash out when someone advocates morals that differ from ours. The rest of us more mature, but non-compromising Christians will lovingly and respectfully disagree in the most diplomatic manner possible. The same cannot be said about many those anti-Christians who go around blasting us Christians for being “homophobics.” As a matter of fact, we Christians are openly ridiculed in public more for our life stile by anti-Christians then the other way around.

So tell me something, is everything I disapprove of considered to be a hate filled phobia? I disapprove of kids joining violent street gangs, should I be ripped for being a hate filled “gangaphobic”? I disapprove of recreational drugs use, should I be ripped for being a hate filled “drugaphobic”? I disapprove of male chauvinism, should I be ripped for being a hate filled “male chauvaphobic”? I disapprove of racism, should I be ripped for being a “racaphobic”? On the contrary, the vast majority of anti-Christians would applaud me for making such stances. And they would be hypocrites for doing so! After all, do they not claim that everybody has the right to choose any life style that they want? So if the anti-Christians want to show some consistency in their belief systems — then they need to stop supporting gang and drug intervention programs as well as the civil rights movements. After all, those who support of these programs are imposing their values on others. Do not get me wrong; we non-compromising Christians support all such activities. We believe that our society would be better off if everybody stopped using recreational drugs and got out of street gangs. We also want an end to all forms of racism and sexism. This includes racist acts and attitudes of women and minorities against whites and males! These positions are all consistent with the commands of our Lord God. So, it is not inconsistent for us to want everybody to obey all of His loving, holy, and righteous commands!

Now, let me take a moment to bring up a point about homosexuality that most. But I am not even going to bother quoting Bible verses, because I know that they will be rejected by those who disagree with my position. So lets deal with this subject from a secular standpoint. I will start of with the homosexual’s means of making love. I do not know much about what various means lesbians perform their acts of loving making, but I do have some incite on the act of anal sex. I have never actually experienced such an act, but I have experienced the next worse thing — (brace yourself for this one because it is a bit grafic) — enemas and suppositories. For those of you who have never had these procedures done for you, they are about the most uncomfortable thing that you will ever have done. Even though the enemas and suppositories or designed to be no more painful and uncomfortable then necessary, God just simply did not create the sphincter mussel to move both ways. Therefore, having something put in your anus be it an enema, suppository or fully erected human penis is going to be painful.

So ask yourself, why would a loving God create an act of love that is such a painful experience for one of the lovers involved? I know that there are some heterosexual couples that participate in masochistic forms of sexual intimacy. Such couples really do need serious help. I do not mean this in a condescending way, but with compassionate concern for those involved. Anyone who believes that acts of love should be painful has a warped understanding of what love is. No one is ever going to convince me that the homosexual act of lovemaking is any other than another form of masochistic sex! It therefore make perfect sense to me that the few openly gay people that I have met have had some form of physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse done to them by a significant adult figure in their live. How else could someone associate love and pain as being part of the same act?

I am now going to finish this by telling you a true story about a homosexual friend of mine named, Kevin. Kevin and I went to the Phoenix Job Corps from 1988-1989, where I lead a campus Bible study. The first day that we met we decided to walk down to a fast food restaurant in order to get something to eat. I have no idea to this day of why he chose to confide in me that he was homosexual. I, with him already knowing that I was a Christian, simply said to him, “well I guess you know where I stand on that.” Nothing else was need to be said because everybody knows that devout Christians oppose such behavior and I would have gained nothing by preaching to him. Some weeks later the news, “Kevin is gay,” went rippling through the male dormitory. And the first thing I thought was of disappointment, “Oh great, the secret is out.” The next day I went in to the crowded cafeteria and saw him. Not only was not only was the table that he was sitting at empty, but so were all the table that surrounded it. I thought to myself, “It has begun.” I — in the full view of everybody watch — sat down next to him knowing full good and well that I would shock everybody in that room. When I was confronted about it later by another Christian, I told her that his sins were no different from anyone else, and that God loves him just as much as anyone else. I hold to both of those truths to this day.

So as you see, I am not someone who is possessed by a hateful phobia of homosexuals. What I am is someone with strong sense of what is right and wrong. Homosexuality is wrong, but so is hating anyone for any belief that they might have! This rebuke I direct towards both side of this debate!